A Little Bit of Sam

About two weeks back I went camping with the boys. We went to the "fathers and son" outing with some buddies at church. Fathers and sons is a annual over night camping trip with all the guys. The guys (Dad's and the Boy's) get to cook, camp, and hang out around the campfire for an evening and then head home the next day. A quick over nighter. Generally a good time.

Sam is probably the best buddy you could have. He's loyal, kind, fun, bright and just an all around good boy. Sweet as could be, with the exception of mornings he is unbelievably angelic.

So we're at fathers and son's; Sam and a few other kids are sitting around chatting. I can see Sam and this boy mixing it up verbally, and I can see Sam is going after this boy who is Patrick's age (about 2 years older than Sam), and about a foot taller than Sam.

I can see the veins in Sam's neck sticking out, and I'm watching Sam lean toward the older kid when Sam is talking at him. They are all sitting down. The older kid doesn't seem to be as rattled as Sam, and I assume that maybe the older kid is giving Sam a hard time. I know the kid pretty well, and that also helps lead me to that assumption.

So I call to Sam, "Sam, come here". Sam's head snaps toward me, and he jumps up and starts to walk over. He has a look on his face as he's walking over that he might be in trouble. I couldn't hear a thing Sam was saying, I could tell however that maybe he needed a reason to walk away from the situation.

So he walks over and he says "yeah Dad", "have a seat" I tell him. He's on the verge of tears, and it's the kind where rage is behind it but he's doing his best to hide it from me. So I ask "so what's going on over there?" Out it comes flying.

"Well Ralph (his name isn't Ralph) says I have citations, and I've don't have any citations. He says the reason you don't know I have citations is because I'm hiding them in my desk at school and that my desk is fully of them." So the older kid is needling Sam. Sam's really mad as he is telling me this. Really a lot of passion behind it, and he's got some tears going too.

A citation by the way is something you get for talking out of order in class, or running on the black top (can't believe children aren't allowed to run on black top), or some small school infraction. Not terribly serious, but if you get multiple in a day or a week they could be big trouble. Sam takes pride in the fact that he doesn't get citations. He will often tell me about the other kids who got a citation at school today. By the end of the school year he knows who hasn't had a citation all year. I guess he keeps a little talley in his head, or he walks around asking everyone. Knowing Sam it could be either, or both. He's funny that way.

Anyhow I remember 2 years ago he got one at the end of the year. Not part of the story, but it's funny all the same so I'm going to tell you about it. I came home from work, and I walk in the door and I say "hi suz, hi everyone", and Suz starts to warn me about Sam. Sam comes around the corner, and as soon as he sees me his eyes go huge, tears, and "DAD I GOT A CITATION", Suz kind of smiles and gives me the look "you fix him". So I ask him, "is this a big deal", "yes, no, I don't know". "You goofing around in class?" "NO!" "What happened?" "A kid next to me asked me something, and I told him and the teacher gave me a citation." Tears easing up a little. "So you the only one who's ever got a citation before?" "No, everyone has gotten at least one." "This your first one? I ask." "Yeah." "Sounds like you got caught chatting, and maybe the teacher was having a bad day too. No big deal Goose." (I call him Goose for some reason, no idea why). I tell you this so you can get a idea for who we are dealing with here. I remember his kindergarten teacher, telling me at parent teacher conference "well, he's very serious about his work. Very serious." Still makes me laugh. Serious about his finger painting, that's my Sam.

So way back to Father and son's here. So I ask him "is your desk full of citations goosey?" "No". "What are you so mad about?" "Ralph just bugs me." So I tell him "Sam some kids are just plain goofy, can't explain it. I just think you should just move away from him. Go play with Patrick, Cameron, and Garrett." So Sam says "Yeah, he's a dork. I know he's a dork, Patrick knows he' s a dork, Cameron knows he's a dork, Garrett knows he's a dork, but those kids over there don't know he's a dork." Still a lot of passion going on here. "Maybe they'll learn that too." I say. So then he says "Dad I just want to go over and fight him. Can I go slug him?" That made me laugh, maybe that passion looks scary to you but not to me.

I remember being Sam, I was a nice guy who was smaller than just about everyone except for maybe a girl or two. I was an easy target for bullies, and I dealt with that stuff by avoiding the bullies 95% of the time. However, it doesn't always work, I remember being tripped in high school right after getting my arm out of a cast and re-breaking that same arm. Can't always avoid bullies.

Sam is completely different than I was in that he's willing to mix it up with them. I've seen him deal with kids that are much bigger than him, Patrick has told me about other kids that Sam has dealt with. It's a shame, but it's something I think that every small boy has to deal with. Patrick and Sam are smaller than 96% of their classmates, but it doesn't bug them. (Don't ask me how I came up with that statistic). They handle things just fine. I asked them about bullies, and they both say there are none.

So anyhow, I told him "no you can't have my permission to slug him in the gut, go play with the other boys and know that your much smarter than that boy, and a better friend. Feel bad for him, he doesn't have any close friends does he?" "no". "Go play" I tell him. So he does, and it's all forgotten.

Things I know about Sam: He's very bright, very kind, a great friend, a great defender of good things, and not to needle him. His older brother doesn't needle him. They are the best of friends.

So here is the question. Every boy (were talking boys here) is going to get bullied. It's part of what boys do. When your smaller than everyone else your much more likely to have someone mess up your hair, take your ball cap, punch you in the shoulder, just trivial stuff. Yeah it happens to all boys, but believe me I'm speaking from experience here, it happens to the littler guys more often. Much more often. Of course I grew up in Placerville, maybe it happens more often up in the trees.

The question is how to deal with it. What is the appropriate response to teach the boys? Do you teach them to respond, or do you teach them to ignore it? I know the answer is right somewhere in between.

I know I avoided bullies until I was big enough to deal with them, but it stopped once I pushed back. It seems Sam isn't going to wait until he's "big enough", he thinks he's plenty big now, and I admire him for it.

With Sam it's about not letting people get under his skin. He does the rest perfectly I think.